Screenplay by Matt Plotecher
INT: RANGER HQ -- LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT
Dale walks into the living room from the kitchen. He has a bottle cap of chips and a glass of pop in his hands. Hopping over onto the couch, he settles in front of the TV.
DALE: Ah, this is the life. I got the whole place to myself. Everyone else out with Tammy and her mother at the High School Theater show.
C.U.-DALE Dale leans back on the couch.
DALE: (Cont'd) And to think, all I had to do to get out of watching that boring stuff was to watch Bink.
ANGLE-DALE Dale reaches for his snacks.
DALE: (Cont'd) Now I can sit back and watch the "Tales From the Meat Locker" marathon without anyone interrupting me!
BINK: (O.S.) Dale!
WIDE ANGLE of the living room. Bink enters from a hallway, yawning. She's wearing turquoise sleepers and carrying a teddy bear.
DALE: (Cont'd) Bink, what're you doing up? You know that you need to get to sleep.
BINK: But I can't. I need a bedtime story.
CUT IN: FAVOR BINK
BINK: (Looking up at him with big eyes) Puh-leeeeeeeeeease?
DALE: Ohhh...okay, I got time before my show. Come on, kiddo.
They leave the living room, Bink practically dragging Dale along.
INT: RANGER'S HQ -- CHIP AND DALE'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT
Bink darts in. PAN over as she hops up into the lower bunk. Dale walks in and sits down at the foot of the bed, putting the covers over her.
DALE: So what do you want to hear? Snow White? Cinderella?
BINK: Nuh-uh! I wanna hear a scary one! Like you watch alla time!
CUT IN: FAVOR DALE
DALE: Oh, I dunno, Bink. Those are pretty scary, I don't think you would like em...
BINK: (Big eyes again) Please, Dale? Please? Huh? Huh? Pleasehuhpleasehuhhuhplease--
DALE: (Interrupting) Okay! Okay! I give! Um...now I gotta think of one...
BINK: (Hopeful) You *do* know one, dontcha?
DALE: Of course I do! I'm a long-time watcher of horror shows and monster flicks.
BINK: Goody! (Snuggles in bed) Okay, I'm ready. Go head.
INT: RANGER'S LIVING ROOM -- DAY
TRUCK IN on Gadget sitting on the couch, tinkering away at some object.
DALE: (V.O.) (Cont'd) At a girl's house named Gadget.
BINK: (V.O.) (Confused) Why'd she name the house Gadget?
DALE: (V.O.) Uh, no. She was called Gadget. Anyway, it started there one day...
GADGET: (Looking out a window) Golly, what a beautiful day out!
BINK: (V.O.) But don't most scary stories happ'n at night?
DALE: (V.O.) Uh, yeah! It was night!
Everything goes dark (SFX: SHUNK!), and stars are seen through the window.
GADGET: My, it got dark quick. Must be daylight savings time. Oh well, I'll just turn on the lights
WIDE ANGLE-LIVING ROOM She gets up, walks over to the lights, and turns them on.
DALE: (V.O.) Um...but there was a power failure!
The lights flicker (SFX: FRIZZZZ) and go out.
GADGET: No problem. That's why I always carry a flashlight.
She pulls out a penlight.
DALE: (V.O.) Er, the batteries were dead.
She flips the switch a few times, then shrugs and sets it down. She pulls out her miner's helmet light.
GADGET: Good thing I always carry my miner's light with me.
DALE: (V.O.) The bulb was burned out.
GADGET: Hmm... (Tosses the miner's light over her shoulder (SFX: THUNK!)) I get the overwhelming sensation that I'm not going to be able to get any light on in here.
DALE: (V.O.) Thank you.
Gadget begins looking around the room.
BINK: (V.O.) Was she scared?
DALE: (V.O.) Of course she was!
GADGET: Intriguing. By the rate of my pupil dilation, I'd guess that there's been an increase in the amount of ambient lumens since last night. (Taps her chin thoughtfully) Must be due to the moon being in a more astronomically advantageous position.
BINK: (V.O.) She don't sound scared...
DALE: (V.O.) Oh, but she was!
She blinks and looks around.
DALE: (V.O.) (Clears his throat, then says meaningfully) She was terrified!
Gadget glances at the camera as she looks around, then starts a bit.
GADGET: (Apologetically) Oh, right! Sorry! Ahem, er, eek. Help. Eek. Eeek. Yipes. Golly this is frightening, but rather fascinating from an analytical standpoint.
BINK: (V.O.) She still don't sound scared, Dale.
DALE: (V.O.) Work with me, Bink.
BINK: (V.O.) Kay. SCCCCCCCCCCRRREEEEEEEEEECCCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Gadget slaps her hands over her ears and winces. She glances about again.
GADGET: What was that?
BINK: (V.O.) (Excited) Yeah, what was that?
DALE: (V.O.) What? My ears are still ringing...
GADGET: Gosh, it sounds like someone's in trouble!
FOLLOW Gadget as she runs to the front door and opens it. Monterey Jack is standing there, looking confused.
DALE: (V.O.) It was her friend, Monterey Jack. He had screamed, because um..he was afraid of the dark.
MONTEREY: (Incredulously) What?!
DALE: (V.O.) Sorry. Uhm, he was out of cheese?
Monterey nods approvingly. TRUCK OUT: INCLUDE GADGET
DALE: (V.O.)(Cont'd) So, he left his house...
GADGET: (To Monterey) You moved?
DALE: (V.O.) And came over the Gadget's party to borrow some.
WIDER-ROOM Monterey and Gadget look around the empty room.
BINK: (V.O.) Where'd ev'ryone go?
DALE: (V.O.) Um, the bathroom
ANOTHER ANGLE-HALLWAY ENTRANCE
(SFX: FLUSH) A mouse walks in from the hallway.
BINK: (V.O.) All of em were in the b'throom?
DALE: (V.O.) Uh, there were a lot of bathrooms.
WIDE ANGLE-ROOM Dozens of flushes are heard, and various animals start pouring in from the doors, down the tire slide, and out of hallways.
GADGET: Jeepers! I didn't realize I was so popular! I hope there's enough WD-40 to go around.
FOLLOW Gadget and Monterey as they walk back from the door into the crowd, as the guests carry on hushed conversations in the darkened room.
DALE: (V.O.) Then....lightning flashed!
Lightning flashes outside.
GADGET, MONTEREY, AND PARTY GUESTS (Frightened) AAAAHHHHH!
DALE: (V.O.) Thunder clapped!
GADGET, MONTEREY, AND PARTY GUESTS (Frightened) AAAAHHHHH!
DALE: (V.O.) And then it started to rain--
GADGET, MONTEREY, AND PARTY GUESTS (Frightened) AAAAHHHHH!
DALE: (V.O.) Geez, scaredy cats. Anyway, that's when they heard a noise from the basement! (SFX: THUMP!)
GADGET: (Turning to Monterey) Since when did we get a basement?
MONTEREY: Probably the same time I moved out.
DALE: (V.O.) And then, that's when they saw the body!
Pepto Gizmo drops in from the ceiling, hits the floor (SFX: WHUMP!), then lies still.
MONTEREY: Crikey! Who's that?
CUT IN: FAVOR PEPTO
Pepto sticks out a card, then goes still again. Gadget takes the card.
GADGET: (Reading the card) Pepto Gizmo. Kiwi Medicine Bird and Professional Corpse. Available for funerals, birthday parties, and bar mitzvahes.
DALE: (V.O.) They all were shocked!
Lightning flashes through, sticking their hair out.
DALE: (V.O.) Not that kind of shocked, sorry.
Their hair falls back in place.
GADGET, MONTEREY, AND PARTY GUESTS (pulling away from Pepto's body in fear) Gasp!
It's quiet for a moment. (SFX: CRICKETS) They all begin to look around confusedly.
BINK: (V.O.) (hushed) Then what happ'ned?
DALE: (V.O.) Er...uh...
CUT IN-MONTEREY AND GADGET
GADGET: (In a loud, hinting tone) Golly! I *wonder* if this had something to do with the *noise* we heard in the *basement*...
She steals a meaningful glance at the camera.
DALE: (V.O.) Oh yeah! See, Pepto gave them a warning!
ANOTHER ANGLE: FAVOR PEPTO
PEPTO (Propping himself up) Don't go in the basement!
BINK: (V.O.) I thought he was dead.
DALE: (V.O.) He was. Now.
Pepto falls flat (SFX: THUNK!).
GADGET Gee, he said not to go in the recently-constructed-without-any-of-the-tree's-inhabitants-knowing- about-it basement.
MONTEREY: Blimey, suits me fine, Gadget-luv. Specially if that's what keeled him over.
The other party guests mumble in agreement and start to head towards the front door.
BINK: (V.O.) But gee, Dale, I thought pe'ple in these stories always did what they weren't s'pposed to.
DALE: (V.O.) Um...you're right, Bink! Because that wasn't the real warning. The real one was--
PEPTO (Propping himself up again) Don't don't go in the basement!
He falls over again (SFX: THUNK!).
ANOTHER ANGLE-MONTEREY AND GADGET
MONTEREY: For a corpse, he's pretty bloomin' lively.
GADGET: I'll say. He's not very professional, coming to life that repeatedly. Must be his first gig.
GUEST He said "Don't don't go in the basement". What does that mean?
GADGET: Oh, I don't know. You're not supposed to use a double negative in speech patterns.
DALE: (V.O.) (Clears his throat)
GADGET: (Cont'd) Oh! But I surmise that he meant we should not stay out of the basement. So we should all go down there.
MONTEREY: Good idea. I'd like to see what's in this new addition to the HQ.
GADGET: Well, if you hadn't moved out, you would know, now, wouldn't you?
PAN over as the whole group starts down the hallway.
ANGLE-GADGET AND MONTEREY as they lead the party guests.
GADGET: Amazing. Even though I never knew about this basement, I know exactly how to get to it. How ironically convenient.
TRUCK IN: FAVOR MONTEREY
MONTEREY: Okay, mates. Everyone stick together, watch each other's backs. Let's do this nice and sensible.
DALE: (V.O.) Which is exactly what they didn't do!
BINK: (V.O.) They didn't?
MONTEREY: We didn't?
DALE: (V.O.) Nope.
BINK: (V.O.) Why not?
MONTEREY: Yeah, why not?
DALE: (V.O.) Because they always go one at a time, alone. It's just the way it's done.
TRUCK OUT: INCLUDE GADGET AND PARTY GUESTS Everyone rolls their eyes
GADGET: (Annoyed voice) Gee, everyone, we can't all go down there at once. Since the power's out, all the food in the fridge will spoil. We better eat it first.
MONTEREY: (Equally annoyed) Good idea, Gadget. We can send one person down to check out the disturbin' noise that caused a body to fall into the livin' room while the rest of us chow down.
A mouse steps forward, dressed in a Elizabethan outfit.
YORIK I'll go.
GADGET: Thanks, Yorik. We'll wait for you in the kitchen.
They spilt off, Yorik going to the basement while the others go to the kitchen.
INT.: RANGER'S KITCHEN -- NIGHT
Everyone is sitting around, eating various foods. Monterey glances at the clock.
MONTEREY: You know, it's been two hours and Yorik isn't back. Maybe we should check on him.
DALE: (V.O.) (Clears his throat)
MONTEREY: (Cont'd) I mean, maybe *someone* should go check. Alone.
A mouse stands up, in a nineteenth century calvary uniform.
CUSTER I will.
ANOTHER ANGLE: FAVOR GADGET
GADGET: Okay, Custer. We will wait for you here.
WIDE ANGLE-WHOLE KITCHEN Go through a series of X-DISSOLVES, showing fewer mice standing around each time, until it's eventually just Monterey and Gadget.
MONTEREY: Intriguin'. The twenty-three people that went down to check the basement never came back. How interestin'.
GADGET: I'm even more interested in the fact that it's been over twelve hours since we first sent Yorik down, and yet it's still as dark as midnight. (She walks to the window) Hmm, the moon hasn't shifted an inch either. I guess the Earth's rotation must have been unbalanced by an interstellar gravitational shift from a passing asteroid the size of Jupiter.
DALE: (V.O.) So, they were worried, and out of options.
MONTEREY: Not too mention party guests.
DALE: (V.O.) So they finally decided to call the police.
GADGET: (To Monterey) We had a phone installed, too? Golly, I need to start paying more attention. Strange people keep sneaking into our HQ and make modifications without even leaving us a note.
DALE: (V.O.) No, they didn't have a phone, but they did have...
GADGET: (Looking O.S.) Zipper!
ANGLE-DOORWAY Zipper flies in through the doorway. FOLLOW Zipper as he flies up to Gadget and Monterey.
MONTEREY: Hey mate, where were you for the past twelve hours?
CUT IN-ZIPPER AND GADGET
GADGET: I guess he moved out, too. Anyway, Zipper, since we actually know you, we'll ask you to go get the police instead of sending you down to the basement.
Zipper buzzes something with a questioning look.
GADGET: Why did we wait to get the police until twenty-three people went missing? Oh, I don't know. Maybe we owed them money or something.
Zipper chuckles and flies off.
DALE: (V.O.) Zipper went and got local police chief.
INT.: RANGER'S LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT
Monterey and Gadget pace back and forth in front of the conversation pit, stopping occasionally to shake their heads as they watch Pepto's chest rise and fall with each breath.
BINK: (V.O.) Oh goody! Momma always said to get the police if I needed help.
SFX: DOOR KNOCKING Gadget runs up to answer it.
DALE: (V.O.) Oh no, Bink. That's not how it works. See, in these stories the police chief is always really slow. Kinda dumb, you know?
Gadget opens the door to reveal Chip, dressed in a tan highway patrol officers uniform. Zipper is next to him, suppressing a laugh.
CHIP: (low voice, glaring at the camera) I'll get you for this.
ANGLE-CHIP, ZIPPER, AND GADGET
GADGET: Golly, Chip! You moved out, too?! Why is everyone moving out without telling me? If it's my breath you could just slip me a mint, you know!
CHIP: Sorry, ma'am, but... (hinting voice) ...we've never met, right?
GADGET: Oh, that's right. Sorry. Um, well, Sheriff, come in. We have a problem.
WIDER ANGLE Zipper flies in and settles into his "at attention" pose in the background. Chip enters and spots Pepto.
CHIP: (Nodding to Pepto) What's with him?
MONTEREY: He's dead, mate.
Pepto lets a snore loose. Chip looks and Gadget and Monterey.
GADGET: He hasn't been a professional corpse for very long.
CUT IN-CHIP, MONTEREY AND GADGET
CHIP: And he won't be for much longer, if he keeps it up. (He takes out a notepad.) Okay, what happened?
MONTEREY: Well, mate, before Pepto, er, died, sorta, he basically told us to make sure that we investigated the basement.
MONTEREY: Er, dunno mate.
CHIP: Did anyone check for the cause of death?
Pepto snores again.
CHIP: (Cont'd) Such as it is.
GADGET: Um, no.
TRUCK IN on Chip as he speaks.
CHIP: What about time of death? Any witnesses? Do you have anything to protect yourself with? Have you looked for candles to provide light? Why haven't you just plain *left*?
BINK: (V.O.) Um...Dale? He doesn't sound too dumb. He sounds smart.
DALE: (V.O.) Yeah, but don't worry. (Loudly) It's only temporary! He's really *just* a *dumb* Sheriff!
Chip grits his teeth and closes his eyes, fuming, but complies.
CHIP: (In a slower voice) Well, duh, ma'am. You sure as have handled this here thing pretty darn well. Duh.
GADGET: (Trying to keep from laughing) Thanks, Sheriff.
CHIP: Now, duh, I would call for back-up, duh, but I'm just a dumb Sheriff. (In his normal voice) How I stayed alive as an officer this long, let alone got the promotion to Sheriff, is totally beyond me.
DALE: (V.O.) A-hem!
CHIP: (slowly) Okie-dokie, duh. Lemme just take down yer statements, duh.
GADGET: Okay. I usually use Golly, Gosh, Gee, Gee Wilickers, and the occasional Jeepers.
MONTEREY: I prefer Blimey, Strike me starkers, Crikey, and Too-Rah-Loo.
Chip lets out a pitiful whine as he jots them down on his notepad.
DALE: (V.O.) That's when the lights went out!
CUT TO: BLACK (SFX: SHUNK!)
GADGET: (V.O.) Someone must have turned off the moon.
INT.: CHIP: AND DALE'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT
Dale is sitting on the bottom bunk, next to Bink. She's all huddled up in her bed, covers pulled tightly around her.
BINK: (Scared) So--so what was it that made ev'rything go dark?
DALE: (Ominous tone) Well, you see Bink, it was because all of the windows were covered up--
CUT TO: BLACK
DALE: (V.O.) (Cont'd) --by the Bloodsucking Wings from Outer Space!
SFX: GLASS BREAKING Creatures that are merely wings crash through the windows, letting the moonlight back in.
INT.: RANGER'S LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT
Chip, Gadget and Monterey Jack are all huddled up in the middle of the room. Pepto's "corpse" is off to the side. Zipper still remains in the same pose we last saw him in, and does not move for the duration of the scene. The Wings flap about the trio in the center.
MONTEREY: Crikey! What're they?!
CHIP: (normal voice) Bloodsucking Wings from Outer Space! Er, I mean-- (slowly) Duh, I reckon them there are the wing things from that there space that's outta. Duh.
CUT BACK: INCLUDE GADGET
GADGET: How can you be sure?
CHIP: Duh, they do this here attack routine ev'ry couple weeks, ma'am. Duh.
WIDER-ROOM The wings flutter all around them, but ignore the sleeping "corpse" of Pepto and the motionless pose of Zipper.
DALE: (V.O.) Then, they attacked!
BINK: (V.O.) EEEEEEKKKK!
The wings dart in, but are knocked back each time by Monterey. They keep diving in a straight line, one after another, so Monterey just stands there, punching each one as it comes in until they're all down. He looks around.
MONTEREY: (shrugging) Wasn't so hard.
They step away from the center of the room.
GADGET: So, what are we supposed to do now? I forget.
CHIP: Well, duh, ma'am, I reckon that your basement over yonder, duh, still needs investigatin'. Duh.
DALE: (V.O.) They were about to go and check it out, when they heard a voice from one of the windows.
FOXGLOVE: (O.S.) Wait!
They turn to see Foxglove, dressed up in a early 20th century Hungarian style dress. She swoops over to them.
CUT IN: FAVOR FOXGLOVE
GADGET: Golly, Foxglove, it's good to--er, I mean...Gasp! Who are you?
FOXGLOVE: I am the Keeper of the Book of Forbidden Secrets, which are so intensely forbidden, that some nut decided to write them all down in detail in one complete volume, complete with an index for easy reference. Call me Foxy.
MONTEREY: Sorry, lass, not in that outfit.
Chip elbows Monterey in the stomach.
FOXGLOVE: I have come to warn you that you are in grave danger!
GADGET: Grave? No, we haven't seen any undead yet.
CHIP: (Normal voice, dryly) Yet.
FOXGLOVE: These Wings can only be controlled by one person, a female mastermind of evil!
MONTEREY: If this is a mastermind, why did she direct all of the Wings to fly in a neat, straight line so I could pick em off one by one as they came in?
FOXGLOVE: Uh...it's an off day for her.
GADGET: Fancy that.
FOXGLOVE: In order to control the Wings, she must be in this tree somewhere!
CHIP: Well, duh, you don't reckon, duh, that she might be, duh, in the basement, now do you? Duh. Duh.
CUT IN-GADGET AND CHIP
GADGET: (Turning to Chip) Golly, that line had an awful lot of duhs.
CHIP: (normal voice) I needed them to counterbalance the only insight I've been allowed so far.
MONTEREY: Right then, mates. Let's head on down there. Come on, Zip!
C.U.-ZIPPER Zipper remains in the exact same pose we last saw him in.
GADGET: Erm...Zipper? You okay?
Still no response. Finally Monterey cautiously walks over and touches Zipper. Then he grabs Zipper and turns him sideways, revealing "Zipper" to be a flat, full-scale cardboard cut-out.
MONTEREY: Looks like he got tired of being in the background and took off.
GADGET: (Slightly embarrassed) I had completely forgotten about him.
CHIP: Duh, it happens.
FOXGLOVE: I wonder where he is?
EXT.: CARIBBEAN CRUISE SHIP -- DAY
Zipper is relaxing in a hot tub with his sunglasses on. Reggae music plays in the background.
INT.: RANGER'S HQ -- HALLWAY -- NIGHT
Gadget, Monterey, Chip, and Foxglove walk through the darkened hallways.
DALE: (V.O.) So, the four victims--er, brave explorers set out to the dark, deep, basement.
BINK: (V.O.) (trembling voice) That's scary.
DALE: (V.O.) Oh, it gets better. See, the Sheriff decided to go down first, to make sure it was safe.
Chip pauses at the open doorway, then shakes his head.
CHIP: Uh-uh. No way. Sorry. I may be dumb, but I'm not *that* dumb!
DALE: (V.O.) I'll be the judge of that.
CHIP: Twenty-three people went down and never came back! And you expect me to believe that it might be safe!?
BINK: (V.O.) He's getting smart again.
DALE: (V.O.) I know, I know! But, um, that's okay, because there's a sure-fire way for him go down there.
GADGET: (Softly) Chip...
Chip gulps and turns to her. PAN over to Gadget, coyly smiling at him and walking close. Slow TRUCK IN on the two of them as she gets closer.
GADGET: (Cont'd) (Softly) I'd feel *so* much more safer if you totally disregard common sense and headed into that basement without any type of light source or viable weapon.
She playfully toys with the brim of his trooper's hat.
CHIP: (Blushing) Duh, well ma'am, since you put it that way, duh. Okie-dokie.
WIDER-HALLWAY Chip heads down into the darkness. Gadget watches him go with a smile, then looks curious.
GADGET: Gee, that was easy. Is he always that malleable?
MONTEREY: Putty in your hands, luv.
Monterey shakes the Zipper cut-out in a nodding motion.
BINK: (V.O.) Did the Sherr'f come back?
WIDE ANGLE Monterey, Foxglove, and Gadget wait by the doorway. A continue series of X-DISSOLVES take place, showing them pacing, playing jacks, and playing charades, eventually stopping with them looking down the stairwell.
DALE: (V.O.) No. All was quiet, so Gadget, Foxglove, and Monterey decided to go after him. Oh, and Zipper.
EXT: CARIBBEAN CRUISE -- DAY
Zipper is playing shuffleboard.
INT: RANGER'S HALLWAY -- NIGHT
Gadget and Foxglove sigh as Monterey makes buzzing noises and moves the cut-out around as if it were flying.
DALE: (V.O.) (Cont'd) Er, sorta.
GADGET: Come on, Monty, Foxy, and er, Zip. It looks like it's up to us.
She whips out her penlight and turns it on.
MONTEREY: I thought the batteries were dead in that.
GADGET: I guess they took dead lessons from Pepto. Come on.
They head down the wooden stairs.
DALE: (V.O.) As they went downstairs, the staircase continued down, down, down.
INT.: WOODEN STAIRCASE -- NIGHT
Monterey, Gadget, and Foxglove glance about as they work their way down.
MONTEREY: Well, it'd be tough to go downstairs if the staircase led up.
DALE: (V.O.) (annoyed) As I was saying.... (normal voice) They kept going downstairs. Soon, they didn't need the penlight anymore, because they saw the soft glow of torches ahead.
GADGET: Torches. On a wooden staircase. Great. Remind me to have a long chat with the engineer about safety in construction.
BINK: (V.O.) Did the stairs catch on fire?
DALE: (V.O.) No no, because, um, by now the stairs were stone! Yeah! Carved from the actual rock beneath the tree.
GADGET: Golly, this is weird.
MONTEREY: Which *part* of this?
GADGET: Well, according to my estimates, we've only traveled about three feet down the trunk, which means we have another five feet before we hit the actual ground.
GADGET: (Cont'd) This is the first case I've seen where a tree has apparently grown to encase a rock.
FOXGLOVE: The marvels of modern botany.
GADGET: Especially since the only layer of actual rock is far beneath the surface of the park, anyway.
BINK: (V.O.) What does that mean, Dale?
DALE: (V.O.) Uh, your mom will explain it when you're older. Anyway. They crept down the stone staircase, lined by torches, until they finally came to the basement, deep underground.
INT.: BASEMENT -- NIGHT
Gadget, Monterey, and Foxglove gasp for breath as they weakly stagger out into the basement.
GADGET: (panting) Whew! No wonder I never used the basement! It's too far down to be of any use!
MONTEREY: (panting) Blimey, well at least I know why nobody came back. By the time they reached bottom, they must've passed out from exhaustion.
FOXGLOVE: (panting) Well, at least, um, Zipper, isn't winded.
MONTEREY: That's me pally, all right. Always ready for a punch-up, right mate?
He shakes the cut-out in a nodding fashion. The head part bends over from the shaking, so Monterey props it up with his other hand. Foxglove and Gadget sigh again. Slow DOLLY around the group as they walk farther in.
BINK: (V.O.) Was anyone there? The others, I mean?
DALE: (V.O.) Oh, they were all right...
FOXGLOVE: I hear something!
MONTEREY: What does something sound like?
DALE: (V.O.) But not as you expect, Bink, they were...
GADGET: (Pointing) Look!
Monterey and Foxglove turn and gasp O.S.
DALE: (V.O.) Not Living But Not Quite Dead Yet Zombies!
WIDE ANGLE Various zombies can be see moving out from the shadows.
GADGET: Actually, according to scientific theory, the infamous "zombies" aren't dead at all, but achieve the semi-sentient state be being forcibly administered a mix of hallucinogens and other toxic substances.
FOXGLOVE: So how does that help us?
GADGET: Um, it doesn't really. But we have to fill that "educational programing" quota.
ANGLE-ZOMBIES The party guests stagger out from the corners, all wearing ragged clothes, and have greenish faces.
ZOMBIES (Unenthusiastically) Rrrrraaaaaagggghhhh....
ANGLE-MONTEREY, GADGET, AND FOXGLOVE
MONTEREY: Well, I guess it's not too surprisin'.
FOXGLOVE: (pointing) Oh no, but that is!
ZIP PAN to a secluded corner. Chip staggers out as well, his uniform ripped and tattered. He staggers up to the front of the zombie line and they slowly advance.
CHIP: Duh...rrraaggggggrrrhhhhh. Duh. (Normal voice) This is the most humiliating moment of my life.
MONTEREY: Well, it's early, still.
GADGET: I can't believe Chip--er, the Sheriff got caught!
FOXGLOVE: Yeah Gadget, the dumb ones always survive!
CHIP: (V.O.) Rrraghhhh.....Duh.
MONTEREY: Well, not this time. Looks like we'll have to de-Zombie-fy him, too.
FOXGLOVE: How do we do that?
MONTEREY: Lop his head off.
GADGET: But then he'll really be dead!
MONTEREY: Too right. He'll be cured of being an undead!
BINK: (V.O.) Oh no, I liked the dumb Sheriff.
DALE: (V.O.) Oh, well don't worry, cause see, before Monterey can do anything--
Zipper suddenly flies in, grabs Chip's nose, and judo-flips him into the opposite wall with ease. He then shoots into the mass of Zombies, knocking them all out in one sweep.
MONTEREY: Zipper! (He throws the cut-out over his shoulder) Where'd you come from?
Zipper makes some gestures with a bored expression.
GADGET: Golly, Zipper, you came all the way back for sunscreen?
FOXGLOVE: Don't complain guys, he took out all of the Zombies!
MONTEREY: Hey, look at Chip--the Sheriff--whoever!
ANOTHER ANGLE-CHIP: Chip slowly gets a sitting position, groaning.
CHIP: Ow...duh, I reckon that would have been painful if I had a brain. Duh. (Normal voice) You will pay dearly for this.
GADGET: Hey! He's okay!
PAN OVER as the others dart over to him.
MONTEREY: Sure, luv. See? (He wipes the green make-up off.) Zipper flipped him so hard it knocked the make-up right off of him!
GADGET: Way to go, Zip!
Zipper yawns and starts searching through the crates for sunscreen.
CUT IN: GADGET AND CHIP
GADGET: Oh, Sheriff, you were so brave and heroic and undeniably stupid to go down here alone, you deserve a nice big kiss! (She leans down to kiss him, then pulls back with her nose wrinkled) On second thought, let's wait until you shower. You smell as bad as you look.
ANGLE-CHIP: AND MONTEREY
CHIP: (Normal voice, to Monterey) You were right: it *was* early.
CUT BACK: INCLUDE FOXGLOVE AND GADGET
FOXGLOVE: You can practice hygiene later, Sheriff. We have a mystery to solve!
MONTEREY: Wasn't that a line from "Scooby-doo"?
CHIP: (Standing up) Well, duh, I reckon I shore owe you folks a heapin' helpin' of thanks, duh, I reckon. Duh.
GADGET: (Holding back another giggle) Um...no problem, Sheriff.
FOXGLOVE: Come on! We must find the evil behind all of this horror tonight!
MONTEREY: (Glances at the camera, then shakes his head) Nah, I'm not gonna say it when it's *that* easy.
GADGET: Well, golly, Foxy! What are we looking for?
FOXGLOVE: Something out of the Book of Forbidden Secrets.
CHIP: Which is....? (pause as the others wait for him to finish) Oh! *Duh*.
FOXGLOVE: If I told you, it wouldn't be much of a secret, now, would it?
GADGET: So what help are you, then?
CHIP: Duh, she's right purtty in that there outfit, duh.
GADGET: (Haughtily sniffing) Typical.
BINK: (V.O.) So what were they lookin' for?
DALE: (V.O.) Uhm...well, they didn't know, because they were dumbfounded by...uh...the incredible laboratory they saw!
WIDER-ROOM Tables full of beakers and bubbling test tubes over Bunsen burners appear. 1950-style large computers line the walls.
MONTEREY: Crikey! Lookit all this stuff!
CUT IN: FAVOR GADGET
GADGET: Yes, I'm dumbfounded at it all. Especially how those huge computers got down here when the staircase was too small for them.
BINK: (V.O.) Gee, Dale, how *did* the big stuff get there?
DALE: (V.O.) Oh, they used the freight elevator.
ANGLE-FREIGHT ELEVATOR The elevator opens up to the side (SFX: BING!), revealing another huge computer within.
GADGET: That's it. We're locking this place up at night. Too many unwanted renovators are sneaking in.
Zipper flies over to the them, and signals for them to follow him.
FOXGLOVE: Hey, it looks like Zipper found something!
CHIP: Duh, I reckon we'd best follow him, duh, ma'am. (In a low, Normal voice) With any luck he found the end scene.
ANGLE-FAVOR ZIPPER They follow Zipper through the maze of tables and machines for a while.
DALE: (V.O.) Onward they went, deeper and deeper into the...uh...depths of the basement.
CUT IN: FAVOR GADGET
GADGET: Well, at least whoever made this place was generous of the size. By my estimates, we should have reached the park fountain by now. Intriguing engineering.
DALE: (V.O.) Zipper led them to very back of the basement, to who was behind it all.
WIDER-ROOM The group comes to stop in front of a large oak desk. A swivel chair is behind it, with its back turned to the Rangers.
BINK: (V.O.) Who was it?
DALE: (V.O.) Well, it was none other than Gadget's evil twin!
The chair swivels around, showing Lahwhiney sitting there. ZOOM IN as Lahwhiney speaks.
LAHWHINEY: So, Gadget, my good twin, you have arrived at last!
GADGET: Lahwhiney? We're related? Golly, well, don't expect a Labor Day card from *me* this year!
ANGLE-CHIP AND MONTEREY
MONTEREY: Actually, I know of some blokes who will like this.
CHIP: Duh, why?
MONTEREY: Well mate, a lot of guys kept hopin' Gadget had a sister.
CUT BACK: INCLUDE GADGET, FOXGLOVE, AND ZIPPER
GADGET: How can we be related, though? It doesn't make any sense!
CHIP: Duh, and the fact that she's, duh, living here, duh, in the basement of our own HQ does? Duh.
FOXGLOVE: Never mind the fact nobody knew about this basement to begin with.
MONTEREY: Or that we all happened to be conveniently moved out.
LAHWHINEY: May I continue with my obligatory explanation of why I'm doing this and the standard evil proclamation of your death rant?
GADGET: Oh, yeah. Sorry.
LAHWHINEY: Yes, fools, it is I that have been the source of all your woes! I, who was the mastermind behind the secret construction of this basement. I, who engineered it to totally disregard spatial geometry and rudimentary physics!
MONTEREY: And buildin' codes.
LAHWHINEY: Those too. And I was the genius who secretly hypnotized all the other Rangers to move out! And I was also the brainiac who discovered the lost art making zombies. (Pause) Did I miss anything?
GADGET: (Helpfully) It's been midnight for over twelve hours.
LAHWHINEY: Ah yes, and I was also the one who ingeniously figured out how to change the orbit paths of the Moon and the rotation of the Earth by the use of two tin cans, a slinky, some leftover pot roast, and about three cases of Duct Tape.
CHIP: I reckon, duh, that there covers all the major points. Duh.
GADGET: I'd like the blueprints of the Moon-shifting machine, if you can get me a copy.
LAHWHINEY: Never! But you can see my latest creation up close and personal!
FOXGLOVE: (Flatly) Whoop-de-doo.
LAHWHINEY: Behold! The Creature from the Blue Abyss!
CHIP: Duh, Blue?
LAHWHINEY: All the Creatures from the Black Abyss are booked solid until mid-June.
GADGET: But you just said that this was your latest creation.
LAHWHINEY: Oh. Well then, behold my latest Rental from the Blue Abyss!
Fat Cat stumbles out, dressed in a black suit, sunglasses and carrying a harmonica.
DALE: (V.O.) That's the *Blue* Abyss, not the *Blues* Abyss.
Fat Cat's suit turns blue, and he drops the sunglasses and harmonica.
FAT CAT: Ah, yes, now then, what am I doing here?
CUT BACK: INCLUDE LAHWHINEY
LAHWHINEY: Destroy them!
TRUCK OUT: INCLUDE CHIP, GADGET, MONTEREY, ZIPPER, AND FOXGLOVE
FAT CAT: I suppose I could, but that gets so dull after you've been doing it since the early 80's. You chaps like to partake in some cards? Dice games? Tiddlywinks?
CUT IN: CHIP, GADGET, MONTEREY, ZIPPER, AND FOXGLOVE
FOXGLOVE: What's Tiddlywinks?
GADGET: Beats me. I'm still trying to figure out how Fat Cat got down here.
FAT CAT: You mean, the Rental from the Blue Abyss.
MONTEREY: Whatever. Yer still too fat to even fit in the freight elevator.
FAT CAT: ARGGGGHHH!!
WIDER-ROOM Fat Cat lunges at them and they run.
MONTEREY: Is this a bad time to suggest Weight Watchers?!?
INT: RANGER'S BASEMENT -- NIGHT
Gadget, Monterey, Chip, Foxglove, and Zipper are being chased by Fat Cat through the hallways and corridors of the computer-walled lab.
GADGET: Couldn't resist the fat jokes, Monty?
MONTEREY: Not my bloomin' fault that he's so sensitive bout it!
CHIP: Duh, you're one to talk, Cheddar-wheel. Duh.
FOXGLOVE: Zipper! Beat up the creature from the Blue Lagoon--
DALE: (V.O.) Abyss.
FOXGLOVE: Whatever. Beat him up like you have everyone else!
GADGET: Actually, Foxy, I don't think that the use of a gender pronoun is correct, as it is never clarified whether or not the Rental is male or female.
FOXGLOVE: Whatever! Zipper! Beat it up!
Zipper trembles and shakes his head.
MONTEREY: Fine time to come down with a case of cowardice.
GADGET: I think he caught it trying to figure out what Tiddlywinks is.
CHIP: Duh, who cares? Run! Duh.
WIDER-ROOM They continue to run, always being just missed by a swipe from Fat Cat.
DALE: (V.O.) They ducked and dodged all over the basement, trying to stay out of the creatures claws!
FOXGLOVE: Why haven't we just run for the stairs we originally came down?
LAHWHINEY: (appearing in front of the staircase, closed off) I cemented them up! There's no escape!
ANGLE-MONTEREY AND CHIP
CHIP: How'd she get ahead, duh, of us?
MONTEREY: Better yet, why don't we just attack her and threaten her to call off her Rental from the Blue Lagoon?
DALE: (V.O.) Abyss!
TRUCK BACK: INCLUDE FOXGLOVE, GADGET, AND ZIPPER
FOXGLOVE: Because then she'd...uh..she'd...um...have us right where she wanted us!
MONTEREY: Oh, right. How silly of me to forget.
GADGET: But golly, if she cemented up the stairs, which better pass the building regulations by the way, how is she going to get out, herself?
LAHWHINEY: Fools! I'll just use the elevator.
MONTEREY: Sounds good to me.
They all duck into the freight elevator and press the buttons.
DALE: (V.O.) Um, but there was another power out!
GADGET: I didn't know the first one ended.
MONTEREY: What do you think was powering the computers?
BINK: (V.O.) So then what happened?
DALE: (V.O.) Well, the creature from the Blue Lagoon--
ALL EXCEPT BINK AND DALE Abyss!
DALE: (V.O.) Okay! Jeez, anyway it caught them.
Fat Cat snatches them up as they continue to speak, not seeming to be concerned.
GADGET: See, Foxy? No gender for the creature.
FOXGLOVE: Well, exxxxxxxcuse me!
GADGET: What? The Book of Forbidden Secrets doesn't have a chapter on grammar?
DALE: (V.O.) (Irritated) As I was saying! (Calming down) It brought them back to Lahwhiney.
CHIP: Duh, since she's right here, it's a short trip. Duh.
LAHWHINEY: Excellent work, Rental from the Blue Lago--er, Abyss. Now, I shall use them in my experiments!
FAT CAT: But you just told me to destroy them a minute ago.
TRUCK IN on her as she answers.
LAHWHINEY: I changed my mind! I decided that it'd be much more fun to put them up against some sort of stupid, supposedly-inescapable death trap, instead of acting rationally and killing them all right now while they're helpless.
CHIP: Duh, good.
WIDER-ROOM Fat Cat brings the Rangers over to another section of the basement. Slow TRUCK IN on the group.
DALE: (V.O.) They all were brought over to a pantomime--
FAT CAT: Pendulum.
Fat Cat straps them down, obviously loosely, on top of some crates.
DALE: (V.O.) Yeah, that thing. They were brought over to it, and were all strapped down. The the blade started down towards them slowly, swinging back and forth.
ANGLE-FAVOR FAT CAT Fat Cat releases the pendulum and watches with a grin.
DALE: (V.O.) Back and forth.
PAN OVER the Rangers and Foxglove as the watch it in terror.
DALE: (V.O.) Back and forth.
FAT CAT: (Turning to the screen) We get the point!
The flat edge of the pendulum hits Fat Cat in the back of the head as it swings back.
FAT CAT: Uhhh!
Fat Cat falls over (SFX: THUMP!)
GADGET: Golly guys! The back arc of the pendulum just knocked out the Rental from the Blue Abyss!
FOXGLOVE: I thought it was from the Blue Lagoon...
DALE: (V.O.) Argh!
CHIP: Well, duh, we best vamoose while yonder beast is out. Duh.
CUT IN: MONTEREY AND ZIPPER
MONTEREY: But how? We're strapped down here! (To Zipper) See what happens when you come back for sunscreen?
GADGET: Sunscreen? Golly, that's it! If we can get some sunscreen over here... (She pauses to bring a hand out of the bonds and scratch her nose, then places her hand back through the restraints.) ...we can use it to lubricate the these straps, and we can slip free!
CUT IN: MONTEREY AND ZIPPER
Zipper buzzes and squeaks something.
MONTEREY: He's right, luv. It'd work *if* we knew where the crates were.
Chip looks down at the crates they're strapped on, which read "sunscreen".
CHIP: Duh, well whattaya know?
GADGET: My, this is convenient.
FOXGLOVE: But how are we supposed to get to the sunscreen in the crates when we're all strapped down?
MONTEREY: Well, considerin' that there's obvious slack in these restraints, we could easily pull our hands and feet free after a moment or two, but that would require too much exertion.
FOXGLOVE: Good idea. Besides, if we did that, we wouldn't need the sunscreen in the first place.
Zipper buzzes again.
MONTEREY: Sorry, Zip. Nobody besides you.
BINK: (V.O.) (Worried) So what'd they do? What'd they do?
DALE: (V.O.) Well, Bink, nobody would have suspected it, but Gadget actually has mental powers!
GADGET: (Indignity) Hey!
DALE: (V.O.) I mean, she has psychic powers! She could move things with her mind!
GADGET: Don't worry guys, I'll use my psychic powers to get us out of here!
TRUCK OUT: INCLUDE FOXGLOVE
FOXGLOVE: So why didn't you use them earlier?
DALE: (V.O.) Because the approaching certain death triggered them on just now!
FOXGLOVE: Being chased by Fat Cat--
GADGET, MONTEREY, CHIP The Rental from the Blue Lagoon!
DALE: (V.O.) ABYSS!
FOXGLOVE: WHATEVER! He--she--it was chasing us after Lahwhiney told he--she--it to destroy us! Why didn't your powers turn on then, Gadget?
GADGET: Because my precognition told me that he wasn't really going to kill us. So my psychic powers basically prevented me from realizing I had them in the first place.,
FOXGLOVE: But then--
CHIP: (Perturbed) Duh, can y'all yell about this after we're free!?!?! Duh.
E.C.U.-GADGET Gadget concentrates, squeezing her eyes shut and knitting her brows. (SFX: OUT-OF-TUNE VIOLIN)
Sunscreen seeps up through the crates, covering them and the bonds.
BINK: (V.O.) Ewww....
DALE: (V.O.) There's always one gooey scene in these stories, Bink.
WIDER-ROOM They all slip out of the bonds and down to the floor.
MONTEREY: Nice work, Gadget-luv.
FOXGLOVE: Especially considering you just got your powers and have had no formal training or previous theoretical knowledge of how to operate them correctly.
CHIP: Duh, must be a talent.
TRUCK IN on Gadget a bit.
GADGET: (Angrily) Lahwhiney! I'm coming for you!
MONTEREY: Why announce it?
GADGET: She she'll stay put instead of escaping, or doing something else logical.
CHIP: Duh, logic? In this place? I mean, duh.
PAN WITH them as they rush back to face Lahwhiney.
LAHWHINEY: You escaped from my deathtrap!? Impossible! It was foolproof!
CHIP: Duh, I reckon we be better than yer average fools, duh! (Normal voice, to camera) Why me?
LAHWHINEY: No matter!
GADGET: Oh, then you mean energy, as Einstein theorized that energy and matter converted back and forth--
LAHWHINEY: (Interrupting) As I was saying!
LAHWHINEY: I shall destroy you all myself!
GADGET: Not so fast!
TRUCK IN-GADGET Gadget concentrates (SFX: OUT-OF-TUNE VIOLIN)
A large pillow falls on Lahwhiney.
LAHWHINEY: (V.O.) Mmmmrrppppghff!
MONTEREY: A pillow?
GADGET: Well, I certainly couldn't hit her with something heavier. She might have gotten hurt!
CHIP: Duh, perish the thought. Duh.
FOXGLOVE: (Looking up) I just want to know how it get down here.
GADGET: Urm... (turning to the others) Not to worry, though, guys. It's a blessed pillow from some obscure church nobody's ever heard of. She'll be helpless for a long time.
CHIP: (quietly) Or until the sequel.
INT: RANGER'S LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT
The lights are on, and everyone is walking around, happily chatting.
DALE: (V.O.) And so, all of the party guests returned to normal, and everyone thanked Gadget for her brave work.
CUT IN: INCLUDE MONTEREY, FOXGLOVE, CHIP, ZIPPER, AND GADGET They smile as Pepto walks over.
PEPTO Thanks, Gadget, for curing us all of being zombies!
MONTEREY: (Arcing an eyebrow) Weren't you the corpse?
FOXGLOVE: What about the Rental from the Blue..um...well, wherever its from.
CHIP: Duh, it was a rental, ma'am, duh, and was only available for tonight.
GADGET: Even better, now I have these nifty mental powers in case it comes back!
DALE: (V.O.) Uhm, but with the threat gone, Gadget's powers vanished!
A puff of smoke appears around Gadget's head. (SFX: POOF!)
GADGET: (Disappointed) I need to learn to keep my mouth shut.
DALE: (V.O.) And so, everyone went home...
MONTEREY: Oh yeah, I forgot I moved out.
GADGET: (Sadly) Along with everyone else. (Brightening) Oh well, all the more WD-40 for me!
Gadget shoves them all out of the door and slams it shut.
DALE: (V.O.) And everyone lived happily ever after.
INT: CHIP AND DALE'S ROOM -- NIGHT
Bink is fast asleep in her bed. Dale smiles at her, tucks her in, then walks back out to the living room.
DALE: Well, that wasn't so bad. And I got done just in time for my show.
He sits down on the couch and turns the TV on.
1ST MAN'S VOICE: So you think you could just use us like that in your story? You didn't think we'd care that our images were dragged through the mud for your own amusement?
2ND MAN'S VOICE: Hey, I meant it as a joke! Really!
WOMAN'S VOICE: (Menacingly) Oh, and we find in really funny, too.
Dale swallows hard and scrunches back into his seat.
3RD MAN'S VOICE: And here's another thing we find amusing...
2ND MAN'S VOICE: Noooooo!!!
Dale's eyes widen in fright.
1ST MAN'S VOICE: Ha! (SFX: SCHRUICK!)
3RD MAN'S VOICE: Ha! (SFX: SCHRUICK!)
Dale winces again and covers his eyes, peeking through his fingers.
WOMAN'S VOICE: Ha! (SFX: SCHRUICK!)
Dale jumps up and turns off the TV.
DALE: (nervously) Chip was right, there *is* nothing good TV anymore...
Dale swallows, looks around, takes his food, and heads off into the kitchen, glancing over his shoulder.
DALE: (in a scared whisper) It was only a TV show, it was only a TV show, it was only a TV show...
All characters from the series Chip n' Dale's Rescue Rangers are copyrighted by Disney and used here without permission. Distribute freely, but do not modify. Oh, and don't watch TV in the dark.
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